Well. This is embarrassing. It has been a while…
Tomorrow is the first day of my second year of law school. It’s been a little over a year since I moved to New York. It’s been months since I last posted.
So, why did I stop writing? The answer isn’t really a simple one, and I think there’s few reason why I couldn’t bring myself to sit down and write out a post.
First, New York has a way of making you feel very small. Actually, it’s one of the main reasons I love this city: sometimes it makes you feel small in the best way. When I’m agonizing about a Civil Procedure concept I don’t understand or I’m not having a great body image day, I can walk through the city (or my favorite – go for a run by the Hudson River), and I am reminded: I am one of many. Nothing about my life really matters that much, because everything that matters to me, doesn’t matter to anyone else on that crowded New York street. That mom doing yoga by the riverside isn’t interested in my law school grades. That man playing the saxophone on the park bench doesn’t care how much I weigh. Surrounded by so many other humans that know nothing about me, I am comforted. I am just another person on the street: One of many. My problems: inconsequential.
But just as the city makes your problems feel small, it can make your accomplishments feel small too. Which is not quite as fun. My experience as a white, privileged girl moving from Wisconsin to New York really isn’t that unique or exceptional. There are just so many cool people in New York with so many amazing experiences. And while meeting these people is enriching and exciting – I started to feel like my own experiences were boring; and therefore, unworthy of being heard.
The funny thing is, I never wrote these blog posts to be interesting, or to entertain other people. I wrote them because I needed a creative outlet and I wanted to document something that was exciting and new for me. And, even after meeting impressive, exceptional people in New York, I am still proud of myself for making the move from Wisconsin to New York. That’s all I should really care about anyway, right?
I can’t blame the entire reason for my lack of blog posts on the city, though. Law school literally taking up every spare second of my life in the past year didn’t help my blog-writing prospects. I have no idea how some people go to law school with spouses and children and other real-life commitments – they are superheroes. Some days, I felt too tired to even clean out my cat’s litter box. That’s the main emotion I felt from the first year of law school, and maybe even the summer after the first year: exhaustion. At the peak of exam season, any free time I had would be allocated towards working out and maybe watching an episode of the Kardashians. The thought of spending more time typing on my computer than necessary? Unbearable. Hence, no blog posts.
But, I think I really did suffer when I stopped writing, emotionally and mentally. Writing helps me reflect, even if I don’t end up posting it online for the four people who actually read this blog. So, my new goal for this semester: write more. Even if it’s not perfect or something blog-post ready.
Another passion of mine that I neglected during my first year of law school: dance. After my last (virtual) dance competition in May 2021, I hadn’t stepped foot in a dance class. It wasn’t until my lovely friend Maria pushed me to go to a contemporary class with her when she visited New York in July 2022 that I finally had the motivation to start dancing again.
I told myself I wasn’t dancing because I didn’t have time – making the same excuses for myself as I did for my lack of writing. In reality, I was scared. Terrified, actually. Dance was my entire identity for so long, and I was so afraid to go to a class and realize I couldn’t dance anymore. I was anxious I would make a complete fool out of myself. Who did I think I was, going to a NYC dance class after a year off?
Well. I was being dumb. I went to a class, and I was fine.
I actually teared-up during class about four separate times. I didn’t realize how much I missed the expressive movement, the emotional release, this passion of mine. I made some other realizations during that class too – I still have a lot of healing to do with my relationship with dance and my body. And I think that class was my first step in that healing process. Since then, I’ve been trying to go to a class every week, and I think I will keep going.
And that brings me to the last reason I didn’t post more blogs in the past year – and probably the biggest reason: Self-doubt.
The first semester of law school still had a sheen on it – I was doing something new in a new place. It was exciting. But as I began second semester, I had seen what was in store for me: reading, reading, writing, and more reading. Of course, I still enjoyed learning – but the second semester felt like learning was secondary to just getting everything done in time so my grades wouldn’t suffer.
And the worst part was – every paragraph, every sentence, every word I read for law school – was laced with doubt. Was I understanding this sentence correctly? Did I even comprehend the case? Could I finish my outline in time? Will my GPA drop? Is my resume decent? Am I networking enough? Will I get a summer job? Was moving to NYC worth it?
On top of it all, because I was putting so much energy in law school, I felt like I was failing at everything else. I didn’t have the stamina to spend time on the things I care about: being a supportive partner, sister, and friend, working out, being a good cat mom, writing for this blog, etc.
I felt like I was failing at everything that didn’t have to do with law school because I was giving it all up to succeed in law school… but I felt like I was failing at law school too. So, every move I made, every word I read, I doubt myself. I constantly wondered if I could really accomplish what I wanted to.
The doubt sucks. And I don’t really have good advice about how to get rid of it. I have never been a confident person, but I’ve never felt quite so uncertain about school specifically– so this was a tough year for me.
I think words of support from friends and family eased the doubt a bit. Talking to people outside of law school helped – to remind me that that this law case I couldn’t understand didn’t really matter, that there is life outside of law school, despite it feeling like the only thing that matters. Talking to friends in law school with me helped too – they understood what I was going through, and they felt it too.
Reflecting on everything I have already accomplished helped too. Some nights, when I really thought I might actually fail Civil Procedure, I forced myself to think about things I had already achieved. I started small. I folded and put away my clothes. I went for a run in the morning. I attended all of my classes this week. I raised my hand in one of them and didn’t completely embarrass myself. I checked-in on a friend to see how they were doing. I was keeping my cat alive. Hey, I already finished one semester of law school – and I did okay. I moved to New York by myself. You know what, I already earned one degree! I can get another. Talking myself through that, each accomplishment, no matter how small – helped a little.
Self-doubt is one of my greatest personal challenges. I am constantly working to not let it paralyze me. The most I have ever doubted myself was when I was deciding where to go to law school. After I moved to New York, I gained a new confidence I have never had before – I felt in my bones that I was in the place I was supposed to be. But, second semester, I think I had a little “self-doubt” relapse.
Which is okay. Growth isn’t always a linear line, straight upwards.
But I just couldn’t bring myself to post something on this blog, publicly, while I was feeling that much doubt in myself, even if I knew only a few people might read it.
But hey, here I am now… so something must have improved right?
Or maybe I am just really enjoying sitting on my roof at my new apartment and writing felt right. Maybe the start of a new school year put me in a reflective mood. Maybe I need to prove to myself that I didn’t just ditch this blog idea after a few months. Maybe I got some encouragement from friends to post it. Maybe I am feeling more confident going into my second year, knowing I did okay during my first. Or maybe I just need to feel like I accomplished something before I start to fall prey to the law school tunnel vision again.
Whatever the reason, I showed up – at least this time. And I think I might try to keep doing it. See ya soon.
Grace in the City 