Breaking the Aesthetic

I can’t like country music.

It doesn’t fit with my aesthetic. I have spent years building up the “Grace Osgood® ” brand, and this brand does not include a love for The SteelDrivers or Big and Rich. Grace ® is a cool girl. She only likes alternative and indie music, maybe a little rock. 

As silly as it sounds, this was actually my thought process as I shamefully drove to work listening to the country radio. In fact, this type of thinking is so common for me that I didn’t even realize I was doing it.

Emma Chamberlain (of all people) was the one to help me realize this toxic thinking. There I was, binging my daily dose of YouTube videos, when the famous Youtube vlogger said something that stuck out to me. 

“When I first started going to the gym, I was like, this is actually embarrassing,” Emma admits. She talks about how she doesn’t like being associated with the stigma that is attached to going to the gym- like the idea that people that go to the gym everyday only care about how they look. Then she says: “As fucked up as this sounds, I just don’t feel like it matches my aesthetic”.

There it was. The exact thought process that I have had a million times before. How often did I feel embarrassed about liking something or looking a certain way because it didn’t match my aesthetic? 

The embarrassment attached to my newfound interest in country was the first example that came to mind. I had always been an alt rock/indie girl, and there’s no way I could start liking country now. What New York City girl do you know that likes country?

Suddenly, I realized just how much I had limited myself due this ridiculous self-made aesthetic expectation. 

I realized just how much I had limited myself due to this ridiculous self-made aesthetic expectiation.

Tattoos. I always thought they were so cool. I mean the full-sleeve, very visible types of tattoos. But, those kind of tattoos are for cooler, more laid-back aesthetics, not mine. It wouldn’t look right on me, wouldn’t fit the narrative I had created for myself. 

Having a military boyfriend. This is weird to admit, but I never saw myself as a person that would date someone enlisted in the military. Of course, I am proud of Daryn, but part of me feels like it just doesn’t match my aesthetic. I am an agnostic pescatarian moving to law school in New York City, not the traditional stereotype of the religious, USA-loving, home-making, letter writing military girlfriend. While there’s nothing wrong with this type of person… I just feel like I don’t match it. Part of me genuinely feels like my boyfriend’s occupation doesn’t fit my aesthetic. How fucked up is that?

Gaining weight. I have always wanted people to see me as “fit”. Someone who “eats clean”, likes working out, and is on a college dance team. Hence, gaining weight does not match my aesthetic. It would break the brand. It just doesn’t match my image… so when I began to gain weight this past year, every pound felt like I was straying further and further from myself, or at least how I portray myself.

Caring about how I look. I can’t show that I am upset about gaining weight, however, because I am a feminist that values people’s character, not how they look! I hate the objectification of women – this is my brand – so objectifying myself by caring about a few extra pounds didn’t match my aesthetic either. How can I tell the world I am feminist if people think I care about how much I weigh?

It is a constant battle – the fight to seem like a confident, effortlessly fit, caring feminist. Look good, but don’t show people you care about looking good. Preach the downfall of patriarchal beauty standards, but don’t eat donuts for breakfast (you’ll get fat). All because I feel like I have an image to maintain, an aesthetic to preserve. 

Where did I even come up with these rules for myself? Who was actually keeping track of them, besides myself? What would really happen if I strayed from the personality I created to present to the outside world?

What would really happen if I strayed from the personality I created to present to the outside world?

Probably nothing. People care a lot less about you than you think.

I think this type of thinking is very common, especially in the social media world we live in.

I know, we all hate that one person that shits on social media and acts like they are better for not conforming to social media trends. Trust me, I am still dangerously attached to my social media accounts. But… it’s sorta true; social media definitely affects how we think about ourselves and the way we present ourselves.

How many times have you heard someone say they won’t post something because it doesn’t match the aesthetic of their instagram? Maybe it’s the color scheme, maybe it’s the subject matter – maybe it just doesn’t fit what the person wants the world to associate with them. Maybe the person doesn’t even realized they are doing it – but we all carefully craft our persona – especially online, whether we like to admit it or not. 

Even the “photo dumps” or “make instagram casual again” posts have a hint of online performance (I am huge offender of this kind of post). Why are you really posting less posed and more casual pictures? Could it be, just a tinyyyy bit, because you want to come off as someone that doesn’t care about what people think? You want to seem like you don’t give a shit about social media rules? You want to seem like nothing affects you? Maybe not… but it’s possible, isn’t it?

I also think the “brandification” of ourselves, the urge to package ourselves for the outside world into a concise, consistent image, is a consequence of the increased prevalence of marketing and advertisements in our everyday lives. Every brand wants to become more humanized, as well as more salient in consumers’ lives. It only makes sense that people blur the line between brands and human personalities, especially when both things want positive attention and feedback.

Either way, everything a performance in some way. We almost always, consciously or unconsciously, mold ourselves for an audience. It’s this truth that makes it difficult for me to face my own idea of who I am, and how I decide to portray myself to others, both on and offline.

How can I confront my limiting ideas about my “brand” and “aesthetic” if everything I do is inherently a performance?

I am not sure if there is a clean way to answer this question.

I think recognizing and reflecting how I show myself to the world is the first step. Then next step might be deciding which performances are limiting and harmful, and which are beneficial. I mean, not all masks we put on are inherently bad. For example, we act professionally in professional situations. We put on a “business mask” at work, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

However, when I feel shame while listening to country music, when I feel torn apart about staying skinny while acting like I don’t actually care about how I look… that becomes an issue. I don’t want to limit myself just because I feel pressured to conform to an arbitrary brand I created for myself. Especially when I have a sneaking suspicion that no one actually gives a shit about if my music taste matches my aesthetic or not.

So. New goal: strive to break my aesthetic.

I think I’ll start by listening to some country.